Cooking For Villains – Ep 2: Meatballs!


Hello, scammers and schemers! Do you need to serve a hearty Italian meal with the option of literally exploding someone’s
stomach? We’re making meatballs, stuffed with mozzarella cheese and evil! I’m
Friedrich Lysander; this is Cooking for Villains! Look bad guys, even in this new golden
age of villainy, evil plans require capital, which we sometimes have to
obtain through unsavory dealings and strange bedfellows… ergo, you may find
yourself mixed up with some organized crime types- prime candidates for an exploding meatball strategy! I personally have absolved myself of many debts by scheduling a “sit-down” with key members of a Mafia family where I detail an
elaborate payment plan as they ravenously consume meat balls containing explosive devices that mere minutes later will be their undoing!
Alternatively, you can use mozzarella cheese… for non assassination events. We
have here some mozzarella cheese chopped into these nice half inch cubes and a
supply of micro-uranium diethynol combustors each with a two to four foot
blast range. Now these combustors are highly unstable so you do not want to
physically handle them yourself. For projects like this you’re gonna want a
cybernetic clone of yourself to work with the more dangerous ingredients
freeing yourself up to handle the mozzarella cheese. So we have here a
Cooperdime Systems model 565… an indestructible excitanium
endoskeleton encased in organic tissue specifically tailored to my genetic
blueprint, so we should have a seamless Ooh! Something’s happening…
something’s happening… Ramone… Now that we’ve got the bugs worked out, let’s talk
ingredients you’re gonna have a pound and a half of ground beef, about a third
of a cup of breadcrumbs, a teaspoon of salt, half teaspoon pepper, half teaspoon
garlic powder, half teaspoon oregano, some Parmesan cheese, a handful of parsley and
an egg… So my clone and I will now proceed with our respective explosive and non
explosive batches… first thing: chop up this parsley! Now I should mention at
this point, one thing about the 565 is you want to make sure to never
accidentally activate “murder mode” by saying the secret code word in this case
“tickle feather,” because that can cause- oh okay, that is a problem, but
luckily there’s always a safe word so… pigtails!
piggie tails! Ramone, is that not the word? Somebody stop him!!! … Okay, once again
working out the bugs… but thanks to my new friend Ajeesh at the Cooperdime
Systems customer support line, we are ready to proceed! So we are both going to
mix together our meat and our other ingredients into this large bowl… we’ve
got our bread crumbs our salt, pepper, garlic powder, oregano, Parmesan cheese
and of course our parsley then we’re gonna beat our egg in this little bowl
and add that into the mix… and then we’re gonna get in there with our hands and
really start to stir things up… So now we’re gonna start forming our meatballs
taking little clumps and starting to round them out and then I’m gonna take
one of my cheese cubes and just smush that into the middle there, and the 565 is gonna do the same thing with one of his combustors… and that was
surprisingly successful! So now we’re just gonna keep doing that with the rest
of our- god damn it!!! Well, that’s why we have a cybernetic clone in the first place
right? … Oh what the hell?!!! Some indestructible endoskeleton! Ramone! …
Okay, frying pan on low heat and a touch of olive oil and when things are nice
and hot we’re gonna take our meatballs and gently place them onto the surface.
Just remember, we’ve got cheese inside these guys that will melt quickly and of
course the 565 has highly sensitive combustors that should never
be exposed directly to the- That is so ****ing scary! … Are you good? Ramone, just let me know if it looks like
he’s gonna do anything… you know… Let’s talk sauce… any schoolboy knows if
you tried to serve a high-ranking mafia captain a meatball with store-bought
sauce, he’s gonna dump it on your head and shoot you in the face before he
takes a single bite! So, this recipe is from my old cellmate-
Peter “the people eater” Pascarelli. We can’t get into it now but all the
details are up at his website: spaghettipsychos.compuserve.net… so we’re gonna
pour our sauce over our meatballs, ever so gingerly, then we’re gonna put these
creations into the oven. We’re gonna let them bake in there for about 10 or 15
minutes, and obviously you want to remember which batch of meatballs
contains the cheese, and which the micro-uranium diethynnol combustors. In this
case it’s easy, the combustors were on the right, so that just means the one on
the… I mean… it was on my right and I picked it up and I turned around so… um,
Ramone you saw which is which so… what do you mean? How can you not know? … And there
you have it, a set of beautiful cheesy meatballs you can proudly present to
those mobsters… or anyone else you’d like to see explode! Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got to break the news to the 565 that it’s time to take him to the old
mill and melt them down in a vat of molten steel. I’m Friedrich Lysander; stay
dastardly out there!

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